It’s a pretty common refrain these days: that the world is falling apart, that we’re staring down an apocalypse, that morality is dead, that we’re facing unprecedented challenges. And maybe it’s true to varying degrees. But one thing history tells us, again and again, is that it can be remarkably difficult to understand the times you’re living through while you’re in the midst of living through them. Like a stream understanding it is indeed, a stream, and contemplating its path as it carves through forest and canyon.
So how do we cope with the inequality of the world? How do we reconcile what seem like unprecedented challenges, but that maybe, upon further review, are the same challenges we’ve faced for far too long? What does it mean if this is the best things have ever been, and it feels like this?
The answer certainly does not lie at the bottom of this list. You wouldn’t believe how often people look to us, three brothers of modest accomplishment, for the answers to the great questions of existence. But alas, we reject the title of “prophet” or “soothsayer” or “looks like Harry Styles, but better”. With great power comes great responsibility, and we’re too anxious.
So what we present to you – as opposed life advice, stock tips, or moral reassurance – is sixteen things that didn’t suck, from January-December of 2022. If you’ve read our list in past years, you know that some of these will be non sequiturs (like 2019’s Potatoes), and some of these will be high-minded attempts at speaking truth to power through our obscure corner of the digital universe (like 2018’s All The Children That Were NOT Separated From Their Parents). We can’t help ourselves…
So strap in and enjoy a brief, non-exhaustive time capsule of the year you just lived. And cheers to a new one!
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16. The James Webb Space Telescope
Sometimes words are futile…
More at: https://webbtelescope.org/
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15. Niche Medicines
Nausea. Heartburn. Indigestion. Upset stomach. You know the rest: diarrhea.
Pepto Bismol. At $0.50 per pill, your local pharmacy can put an end to an entire world of moderate discomfort.
Think about the ailments you’ve used Tylenol (or your pain relief of choice) to treat. For me, it looks like: headache, fever, jammed finger, stubbed toe, bumped elbow, hangover day one, hangover day two, general malaise, long day, tough meeting, customer service, roommate, neighbor’s dog, dmv, disappointing sports team, and many more. For many among us, I’m sure the list simply looks like: children.
Now, go read an old novel. And arrive at the point in the story where a character is dealing with a cold, or a flu, or surgery, or polio, or child birth. Listen to the words they use to describe their ailments. Pay attention to the attitudes they adopt toward moderate to severe pain and discomfort. In 2022, we have have safe, easy-to-administer drugs like Naloxone that can prevent something as volatile as an opioid overdose. But in the 19th century, as I understand it, all medicine was leeches – everything was just leeches.
^that was a joke, to be clear
Each time we take a Tylenol to stave off a headache, we should notice the sunshine, and that it’s a little brighter than it was a moment earlier. We should purchase bottles of cold medication with the same awe and wonderment as a self-driving car or a robotic cat litter.
(Disclaimer: this is not a defense of the modern American healthcare system. The American healthcare system is broken, systematically. These three brothers don’t believe anyone should face bankruptcy when dealing with common health conditions. One-third of GoFundMe campaigns are for healthcare. In 2018, The American Journal of Medicine performed a study that found that, of the 9.5 million people diagnosed with cancer between 2000 & 2012, 42.4% had depleted their assets within two years. That’s fucked up. Vote for healthcare reform.)
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14. Bluey
Cocomelon…
I don’t know about the other parents out there, but for me there is no more terrifying word.
A nightmarish collection of nursery rhymes with matching videos that is now gracing us with its demonic presence on Netflix.
Will your child pay 100% attention and give you momentary bliss and peace of mind? Yes. But god help you if you try to turn it off. Those dead eyed blobs of CGI will have sucked the very soul out of your child long before you have any hope of tearing them away from the screen.
I can no longer safely turn on Netflix. Because the goddamn algorithm will put these little sociopaths front and center of my Home Screen and before I can even scroll away, my daughter has started hollering The Pasta Song at me.
But thankfully, there is a tonic for the terrors of the Melon. Four blue and orange Australian dogs — Bluey, Bingo, Mum, and Dad. 7 minute slices of heaven. Shorter than your average classic Looney Tune. As good as the best Pixar films. These little nuggets are heaven on earth, their existence a true miracle. And that theme song. THE PERFECT theme song. What a banger.
I dare you to watch two or three and not be completely won over, smitten, crying your eyes out, laughing uproariously, and anxious to have a kid of your own so you have a more socially acceptable reason to talk about Bluey in polite society.
2022 brought us 52 new episodes, all written and directed by a true hero amongst men, Joe Brumm. I owe this man so much.
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13. Things We All Still Agree On
A continuation of LAST YEAR’s #10 Thing That Didn’t Suck…
Whether summer, winter, spring, or fall. Whether soccer, golf, or basketball. Whether Thriller, Bad, or Off The Wall. Whether in a bush or in a stall. Whether buy online or at the mall. Whether leave the crust or eat it all. Whether lose your knees or take the fall.
Whether crawl run walk or walk run crawl. Whether Peter, Mary, maybe Paul. Whether oil change or part recall. Whether Belgium, Egypt, or Nepal. Whether blanket, scarf, or ruffled shawl. Whether Boise, Nampa, or McCall. Whether fellas, gang, guys, gals, or y’all. Whether brouhaha or full street brawl.
Whether Mac OS needs to install. Whether Andrew, James, or Paul (see Saul). Whether roller coaster size or small. Whether old dirt road or urban sprawl. Whether Louis, Macron, or de Gaulle. Whether just a gust or full on squall. Whether cool accent or Texas drawl. Whether Starry Night or childish scrawl.
Whatever your past. Whatever your present. Whatever your future.
Whatever your opinion of the metaverse. Whatever your social media persona.
We all still hate Mark Zuckerberg.
What an asshole…
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12. Aubrey Plaza
I owe Aubrey Plaza an apology. I’m certain I am not alone, but after the last 12 months, how could I have ever though Plaza was simply a sardonic, one-note sitcom actress?
Like all good Renaissances, the seeds were planted years ago. Like many actors, she launched herself to a new level not through acting, but producing. She produced a pair of features in 2017, the intriguing Ingrid Goes West and the absurd Little Hours which hinted at greater things. But I would say her 2020 pandemic movie, the atmospheric thriller Black Bear had the largest shift in my conscious perception of her. This was not someone content to operate with what Hollywood was willing to give her. 2020 also gave us the instant-classic Happiest Season, Christmas’s greatest rom-com, where her smoldering sexual chemistry with Kristin Stewart stole the show. Come to think of it, maybe she should have made our 2020 list (which we skipped).
Regardless of whether we overlooked her previously, in 2022, the Plaza-sance officially launched. She produced and starred in Emily the Criminal, a first rate crime thriller, and for my money, which I will gratefully give her more of, Plaza’s best performance to date. Meanwhile, on HBO’s White Lotus she’s been putting all that dry wit to good use to produce some of the most butthole clenching tension you’ll see on Television this side of Scott’s Tots (If you know, you know). She also Executive Produced and star in a Hulu/FX animated series Little Demon.
So I’m sorry, Aubrey, for my early pigeon-holing. You deserved better. And thank you for protecting the sanctity of the movie going experience like only you, Scorsese, and Spielberg can. (See also: Her Criterion Top 10)
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11. Colin Farrell & His Donkey
Colin Farrell may very well win a long-deserved Oscar for The Banshees of Inisherin, an extremely lovely (and quite odd) little film. But make no mistake about it, Banshees belongs to one performer, and one performer alone — no, not Brenden Gleeson — rather, Jenny, the donkey.
The first thing you need to know about Jenny, is that she’s a miniature donkey. The second thing you need to know about Jenny is that she had a screen double named Nosy Rosie. The third thing you need to know about Jenny is that she was quite the diva on set, and apparently, was even abusive toward her co-star Colin. “She gave me a good old clatter on the knee,” he admitted on the Seth Meyers show. The animal wrangler later attempted to downplay this intolerable behavior — “It wasn’t malicious or anything like that,” equivocated Rita Moloney of Fircroft Animal Actors.
Why are we accepting of violence in the name of greatness? How far is too far to accomplish art that stands the test of time. Why do we keep allowing these toxic personalities into our films and tv shows? Should we brush it off because, “She’s just a donkey”?
I guess as long as donkeys keep stealing our god damn hearts, they can do whatever they gosh darn please. But hopefully Jenny takes this success as a reflective moment, and doesn’t let it poison her brain any further. Because dammit if that miniature donkey didn’t make me cry and come away more in touch with my humanity. But at what cost?
Colin had a good year too. Let’s hope he can persevere through this moment of Jenny-mania.
After Yang 
The Batman
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10. TSA Precheck/Global Entry
Scenario: You show up to the Nashville airport Sunday morning extremely hungover after a long weekend of drinking. You get to security and see an enormous hour long line of fellow hungover people. You think this is what hell must be like. Instead of joining them you go into the TSA Precheck line that has literally nobody in it, and you get to laugh at the miserable people stumbling along wishing death upon themselves while they stare daggers at the brilliant people that signed up for TSA Precheck to avoid this very scenario and wishing the past version of themselves wasn’t so shortsighted as to not foresee this happening to them.
Or how about this scenario? You just flew 9 hours back from Europe with your family and are now faced with a 1.5 hour wait in customs. You say adios to your family, get your face scanned by the creepily accurate Global Entry face scanners, and walk straight past the line to freedom. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?
Both of these scenarios happened to me, and either one was alone worth the cost of signing up for TSA Precheck/Global Entry. Which for me was $0. Seriously, check your credit card benefits because you might get reimbursed for the cost of signing up. This is now an advertisement for TSA Precheck/Global Entry, go sign up. If you travel even somewhat regularly it’s a no brainer.
Jason I hear that you somehow have an opposing take here?
As a matter of fact, I do. Why not set up a series of literal hoops you have to jump through and include it as a fee on all airline tickets (unless, of course, you sign up for some sort of expensive new program called something stupid like Effervescent)? Why not eject all checked baggage in the Atlantic unless you subscribe to Delta Premium Gold Skyhawk (Delta’s new luggage program whereby your bags aren’t ejected into the Atlantic)? Why shouldn’t my ticket alone be enough for a bare minimum of service? Bah, humbug.
Casey, do you wish to chime in?
Ah, a classic debate of privilege, wealth, and the excesses of capitalism. Hey, you guys should see Triangle of Sadness!
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9. Sequels Made 30+ Years Later
There are too many sequels. Not a hot take. But still, it seems like every successful movie churns out an unneeded sequel as soon as possible. Many are boring and uninspired, at best (and don’t even get me started on superhero movies). But two of the best sequels this year had one thing in common; they took over 30 years to make.
The obvious example is Top Gun Maverick, which released 36 years after the original. Like many people, I had little excitement for this movie and I likely would have consumed it half-paying-attention on Netflix. But….like many people…this was my favorite movie of the year, and one of the best theater experiences I can remember. Tom Cruise has essentially mastered the action movie – we can all go home.
But there’s more! An example that nobody knows of. A sequel to a classic computer game: Return to Monkey Island. The original Monkey Island creator returned after 31 years to make a sequel to the 1991 classic, Lechucks Revenge. In this game, mighty pirate Guybrush Threepwood, returns to once again take on the ghost pirate, Lechuck, as they race to uncover the secret of Monkey Island. Come for the jokes, stay for the controversial ending! An unrivaled blast of nostalgia!
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8. Credit Card Monitoring
Have you ever spent $98 at three separate gas stations over a one hour period? Neither have I. But my credit card sure as hell did.
Have you ever called my bank and attempted to redeem my rewards points with the information you presumably scraped off of Facebook? If you have, myself and my bank would like to have a word with you, because someone sure as hell attempted this.
But the great news is, in both of these situations, it didn’t cost me anything in the end. Because our financial overlords have devised genius systems to stop fraud before it happens, and by which fraud is not passed onto the customer and these instances of petty theft dissipate into the ether of a too-big-to-fail business.
It turns out, these protections stem from a 1974 law called the Fair Credit Billing Act. Included in this act are limits on consumer liability, and protections for customers from unfair billing practices. Dare I say, this would appear to be an instance of government enacting successful legislation to protect consumers from businesses. What a marvel! It’s a shame we can’t take this same concept and apply it elsewhere…cough.
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(FAKE) PAID AD: SOCKS!
When Bubba and Forrest arrive in Vietnam, they meet their hardened leiutenant, Dan Taylor, a man who descends from a long lineage of war heroes. Leituenant Dan’s life has been one long lead up to his impending moment of heroism. He has no dreams of returning home. His life’s destiny is to die a martyr.
And yet, he understands the important of proper foot care.
Lt. Dan: “Look, it’s pretty basic here. You stick with me, you learn from the guys who been in country awhile, you’ll be alright. There is one item of G.I. gear that can be the difference between a live grunt and a dead grunt. Socks, cushioned sole, O.D. green. Try and keep your feet dry. When we’re out humpin’ I want you boys to remember to change your socks wherever we stop.”
Don’t die. Buy new socks today!
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7. Italian Tomatoes
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This spring most of our family made an inaugural pilgrimage to the culinary Mecca of Italy. Look at this good looking group enjoying standing on a bridge in Florence:
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As we dined across the spectrum of cheeses, wines, crusts, flours, and toppings, one thing became abundantly clear: it all just really comes down to one brilliant, mesmerizing, gift from god themself — the Italian tomato. I learned that what I’ve been calling a tomato for 32 years is a paltry imitation of a real tomato, barely worthy of sharing the same designation. If not for their shape, color, and genetic makeup, why, it wouldn’t be the same thing at all. The Italian tomato is to the American tomato what the automobile is to the pogo stick – unworthy of comparison, other than to make a senseless joke at the end of the world.
Scoop a pile of Roman detritus and you’re likely to find enough tomato remnants for a tasty bruschetta mix. Steal a piece of stale bread – of any quality – baked or half-raw – the bread is meaningless much the way the sticker collection on your laptop is meaningless as you’re being robbed at gunpoint, lest you can answer a series of Full-House related trivia questions. The tomato performs a particular type of magic – elevating anything it touches. I’d eat them on a train or on a plane. In a hat or with a cat. In a house or with a mouse. Here or there or anywhere.
The Italian tomato is culture. The Italian tomato is religion. The Italian tomato is the seductive siren calling sailors to their death atop sea-foamed rock. The Italian tomato is the alternate ending to Titanic – the ending where Rose angles her body slightly and allows Jack on the door. The Italian tomato is the other Great Pyramid, the unmoved mover, an omniscient god among false idols.
The Italian tomato has the gravitational pull of a Hollywood heartthrob. You might not get out of bed to see a period piece full of no-name, theater actors reinterpreting Hamlet, but you’ll wait in a midnight line to see the premiere of George Clooney starring as a prohibition-era locksmith navigating the murky underworld of beverage providers as he attempts to throw the perfect fiftieth birthday party for his dying wife, Clara. It doesn’t sound like a very good movie, but knowing that Clooney signed on gives it a certain prestige, does it not? Yes, you agree. Well, in this analogy, Clooney is the Italian Tomato. Does it all make sense now?
The Italian Tomato is George Clooney.
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Part 2 of this list, #6-#1, will be released on January 1st. So as we tend our New Years wounds, we can take one final look back at the majestic year of 2022.
The Giltner Bros Blog 